yi xuan 260890
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Wednesday, May 28, 2008 LALALALALALALALALA!
6:22 PM
WHOOOOOOOOOOO, I haven't been writing here for the longest time. hahah. WHEE WHEE WHEEEE. Life has been great. hahah. Though not extremelyyyy happening, its still really nicee.
Haven't been thinking about him for very very long already. But he popped out again because of all the scribbles I saw on my notes when I was tidying my J1 notes. Oh wells, haha. Its good to think about him once in awhile too, those funny times. But those scribbles were really distracting my revision so I took like an hour to flip through all my notes and erase everything. haha.
And both of themmmm, tsktsk. Have been reading her blog, she's still so sad like so messy, and insecure. Brr. Hope they turn out well if not he dislike me for nothing! If they turn out well means at least something good come out of ALLLLLLLLLL the bad things. haha.
OKAYYY, I SHALL GO EAT NOWWWWWWWWWWWW. Buffet dinner tonight!
Wednesday, May 14, 2008 Sky of Love
11:52 PM
Really super tired now but I've decided to write something here before I slp anyway. hahah. Or else those words will just keep running around my head and I can't sleeep!
Whee wheee, I realise I'm happier now. Jes says I'm healing! hahah. Yup I guess I'm healing well. Today's GP lesson was coool. hahah. Both of the are in the same group. Super fated! I thought I'll feel upset or like feel sian. But like, I realise I still can talk and laugh and crap normally and not feel anything about them being paired up. Though its just a small thing to others, but I'm super proud of myself now. ^^
But whenever I see both of them, I'll always think like 2 person keeping so much love inside their heart will explode one day. Its so torturous to see the person you like infront of you but yet you can't show it because of I dont know why. Read her blog today, again. She seems like she's going through a tough time, probably because of him. Seems like he's holding back so much feelings he has for her bcus of I dont know why also. Its soooo clear he's head over heels over her already. If only she knows, tsktsk. It'll be fairytale ending! I'm like some analyst with so much time and nothing better to do. haha. Ok more like some kpo.
Ok slping time. Hockey match tmr! Dont know if I should go, its so near. But if I go will I affect her? In a bad way. Blah, dont know. I'll think about it tmr. SLEEEEPZZ!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008 Heal the world
11:14 PM
Just read her blog. I have this very strong feeling that the last paragraph is referring to him. The feeling that I had when I thought she was blogging about me last time, and I was right. Even whn I asked her if it was about me she denied it anyway. Actually, this should be long over and I shouldn't even be thinking about it anymore. Blahh.
Chatted with Jesica today, she knew I had something to tell her but didn't tell her in the end. Probably thats how best friends can read each others mind. I told her I'm feeling very tired. Really really tired. So tired that I just don't feel like doing anything and don't feel like caring about anyone or anything. Actually there's alot of things I want to do, but I'm just tired. School's keeping me alive though. Disturbing people and talking crap without thinking and laughing really keeps me sane, for some weird reasons. haha. Probably bcus doing all these doesn't require thinking.
Feel so helpless when I was watching the news too. China's earthquake and Myanmar's disaster is really not getting any better. I went online to search for any organisations that need volunteers but I couldn't find any. Most websites just need donations. But exactly how much I'm able to donate to actually make an impact? I don't know where to offer my help either.
Despite all these on my mind, sch was really great today. Thank God for school seriously, for every little thing that happen in sch. I really don't want to leave sch yet can't wait to leave sch so that I'll only be surrounded by people who love and trust me, and really care for me. But I guess everything happens for a reason so I'll still learn to treasure and enjoy everything that will happen in sch for the next 6mths! I MUST START STUDYINGGG HARDD!
Sunday, May 11, 2008 blaaahh
11:06 PM
Today was so tiringgg. Although I slept quite alot last night. Went out with dumbass last night. Was so tired that I fell asleep on the bus. Which reminds me of something again. I remember I used to fall asleep on the bus very often and even if I wake up, I wouldn't dare to move my head cus I was afraid I would wake him up. And even though his head will be super heavy whn he really fall aslp I'll still try my best to not move with my strong head! hahah. Oh wells, it was quite funny now that i think about it. This is one of the very very few times when I've thought about him yesterday. I'm proud of myselfff! ^^ At least I'm improving.
ShiChi broke up with Weiwei today. He smsed me just now and he was like so so sian even though he was the one who initiated it. He said he felt glad but sad and sian at the same time. Tsk, I didn't know what to say to him either. I just told him to play more mahjong and hope he win more money for soccer tonight. haha. Oh wells, I wonder how is weiwei feeling now. She must be super sad. hopefully both of them will eventually find what they want.
And Myanmar's situation is reallyyyyy getting on my nervesss. It was the first time me feeling piss watching the news. So many many many people are dying there and they desperately need help but the govt's not doing enough and yet not wanting others help. I was watching the news and i feel so powerless. I can't do anything to help them. The money donated to Myanmar doesn't get to the victims too, not the full sum at least. It gets to the stupid military govt. Arghh. For a moment I was wondering why is God not doing anything to help them. I dont know, maybe I just can't see it.
School tmrrr. Bla, another day to get through. SMILEEE YIXUAN YOU'LL BE FINE! :)
Saturday, May 10, 2008 Love at first sight?
11:33 AM
I saw her and her friends reading a brightttt reddd letter at the void deck while waiting for Irvin and Calvin to find kaki to play mahjong after sch today when . All my 6 senses tells me that that letter is from him. Felt happy for her but feel abittt sian too bcus of I dont know why. But mahjong with 3 of them and out with Alicia and friends pretty much made me forget about it.
After so super duper long I finally think I'm strong enough to read her blog again. haha. She was blogging about some "your love is a lie" thing. I was wondering if its abt him. He'll probably feel slightly hurt when he read that. When he loves someone, its selfless, sacrificial and wholeheartedly and innocently and truthfully. She'll probably feel it in time.
So today went out with Alicia and her bf's friends who were all from SAS. They were really super super super super funny. They were exactly like the ruggers in sch just that they are from the opposing sch. haha. They're all the same when a bunch of boys get together. There's this guy who is super funny and nice. His "gf" was super mean to him, she refuses to go out with him I dont know why either. I kept thinking like he's so nice and she's so mean to him, making him so upset. I can treat him so much nicer than her. I really felt so bad for him. The whole night whn we were out I was thinking abt him. I've never felt this whn I meet someone for the first time before. I dont know what that means but I guess I'll find out soon bcus Alicia says we're going to hang out very often from now on.
Thursday, May 08, 2008 Piece Of It All
10:34 PM
Felt so tired in sch todayy, probably bcus didn't slp well last night. brr.
Today seems like a better day, for both of them. Its super obvious that they are smsing in sch the whole day but oh wells, as long as they're happy. :) But it still makes me feel bad that they have to hide their actions, either bcus they don't want me to feel bad, or bcus others. I always feel that I'm in their way whenever in sch making everything awkward. I've tried to avoid as much as possible already, but still, feels like so "extra". Bcus of me there's so many things to be cautious of. Blaa. I hope we'll graduate like tmr so they'll be free and I'll be free too! Everyone will be free. And I can really move on and get along with my new excitingggg life aheaddd. :)
Rugby match tmr, don't think I'll be going. Though its the last match, and I really wanna go. I remember i was screaming my lungs out for him at the last match last year. I remember I was praying hard to just let him score a try and it doesn't matter whether ACJC win or lose. lol. Quite selfish. Oh wells, but this yr, feels like I'll be some obstruction there for them. BLAH. I dont know. It doesn't matter whether I go anyway. I'll just pray pray pray and prayyy, thats all I can do.
Found some lyrics today, totally spells out how I feel, wanted to put it on my blog but it seems inappropriate to put this kinda lyrics in my blog now already.
Jann Arden - Piece of It All
Right now somebody loves you
Right now somebody dreams about you
Right now somebody needs you
Right now somebody's proud of you
Proud of you
Right now somebody's calling your name
Right now somebody's hoping you're well
Right now somebody's feeling your shame
Right now somebody cares if you live
Right now somebody hears you
Right now somebody knows who you are
Right now someone is praying for you
Right now someone believes in your heart
Right now somebody wants to be your friend
Right now somebody's thinking about you
Right now somebody is wondering where you are
Right now you are a piece of it all
A piece of it all
You are a piece of it all
Sometimes lyrics just makes me stronger cus I feel for all the lyrics, meaning ppl have been through this too and they've probably made it through, meaning, I'm not alonee! I can do it tooooo.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008 Spread the love
11:43 PM
Today was superrr tiring. Just got home from studying. Almost died.
School was fun today. I was laughing and talking nonstop like throughout the wholeee day. Maybe thats why Im feeling so tired now. I think Monster almost killed me today cus I was really on talking streak. But I always think that if I stop talking, I'll start thinking about alot of stuff. So the only way to get myself to not think is to talk alot alot and to disturb ppl. haha. Although sometimes it really gets very tiring and I just don't feel like talking anymore but at least its really useful.
He looked so so so upset today. Might be because of the match but I think its so much more than that. Probably something happened. I kept having the feeling that she's keeping her feelings about him to herself, bcus she's afraid of how people will see her. She loves him, and she knows it. Even I know it. I'm so afraid she'll force herself to push him away either bcus of me, or bcus of how she thinks others will see her. I don't want to see him feeling so upset. All the more I don't want them to miss something so right bcus of this. And I guess she's upset from her hockey match too and all the hockey stuff. And I think he's the only one who can make her feel better too. Hopefully.
Oh wells, I guess I'm thinking too deep into this. Brrr, thats what happens what I don't talk. Sleeping time.
Monday, May 05, 2008 ACJC VS SAJC 11-20
10:16 PM
So we lost today. Ok sian. Saw all the ruggers at Island Creamery when I was meeting Kh and Melissa at Serene. He was there too. He turned and walked away when he saw me. Tsk. Okay. Kh told me she think he cried. At first I didn't feel anything. But after that when I saw him walking around looking very very very down I feel so so sad for him. I should feel happy seeing him fall after everything he has done to me. But I just wish I could give him a big hug like last time and tell him its gonna be ok. I wish I was the one he need so I could be there for him. Not the one he will turn away from when he see. Oh wells, I guess only she can console him now. And I really hope she'll make him forget all the unhappiness. I guess it doesn't really matter whether I can be there for him or not. As long as the one he needs is there.
OK IM SO TIREDD. Sch tmr. -.- Sian.
Pon school day
11:54 AM
SO today is a pon school day for me. Didn't sleep till very late, going to meet Kah Hwee at Serene to study after she finish watching the match.
Couldn't sleep yesterday night, was tossing and turning on my bed. Thinking of only one thing. Her. I guess I'm not such a kind person after all. I can't let everything go. I still don't understand why she does all those things. At one side I'm despising her for everything but the other side of me tells me that its nt her fault that she feels this way. OMGGGG I'M GOING CRAZYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
The devil side of me sees her as a 2-faced hypocrite. Who is so so so different when she talks to me online and she blogs a totally different thing on her blog.
I remember she told me she felt very guilty bcus she thinks that we broke up because of her and she feels that everyone's judging her and she shouldn't come to ac in the first place. I kept assuring her that its not fault at all and noone thinks its her fault and that we broke up bcus of many other reasons. And she says that I'm trying to put the blame on herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr on her stupidddd bloggggggggg. AHHHHH.
And while she was blogging about me at night, she was still so nice to me in the day insisting to help me copy notes when I was too lazy to do that. We were having fun online gossiping about boys and everything but she blogged that I was trying to show her how popular I am with boys. Damn it. I wrote an email to her telling her everything and she said she doesn't like shitty people to like her? Omggggggggg. Nice and hurting!!!!
She say I'm trying to pull all her friends over but why does all our friends still talks to her like normal and doesn't hate her but all her friends including titi thinks I'm such an evil person!!! Why does she judge all my actions in her own wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. AHHHH! And after everything she said she surrender and told me to leave her alone when I'm so so so misunderstoooooooood. AHHHHHHH!
But after I think about all this, another side of me tells me that maybe she's feeling too guilty thats why she thinks I'm doing all this too her. She puts too much blame on herself and she keeps all her emotions to herself and I unknowingly give her pressure by talking to her cus she felt guilty in the first place thats why she's suffocating.
That was what I was thinking for the whole night, the wholeee night. I was thinking so much that I didn't have the mood to go to school today cus I don't wanna see her and I'll start thinking about it all over again. I know its not an excuse not to go to sch but I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. :(
Ok I know I sound like one mean person in this post but i really need get it off my chest. I can't keep it in my mind anymore. I'm really going crazy. :(:(
Let it be let it be let it be yixuan, let it go, set yourself free. You have to be happy :(
Sunday, May 04, 2008 ACJC VS SAJC!
10:53 PM
Whoooooo! ACJC VS SAJC tmr. hahahh. Blaa shld I sms him good luck? But he doesn't need it anyway. He has hers already. But still its an impt much tmr more luck doesn't matter right. BlaAHH. Don't know. I've left a message on redsports anyway. Should be enough :)
I always knew they were meant to be together. They're like some matchmake in heaven. hahah. Even when I was with him. I knew that I was just taking him away from her for awhile. They'll be together eventually. And they'll last for very very very long, happily ever after. Since they're so alike in every way. Thats probably why I was so insecure when it comes to her even when we were together. I was preparing myself for it since long long long time ago, even before anyone noticed anything. I knew it would happen long ago, but I didn't do anything about it either. Why can't he just believe me :(
Was reading her blog just now, she's so happy now. Unlike last time when we were still talking, her blog was filled with angsty posts. Maybe I was really tearing her down, without realising it myself. And she was keep all the emotions to herself. Oh wells, I don't know. Although I'm still misunderstood by him and everything. They seem better off now. Maybe the truth really doesn't matter at all. BAHHHHHH.
I'm still struggling seeing them everyday. Howwwwww? I must stop this already. :( SIANN
Oh yea, still got, A DIV 2008 TOP 15 PLAYERS
Vote for titi! :)
Saturday, May 03, 2008 Low
3:52 PM
Wahhh sian. I'm feeling super super down today. :( Dont know why also. Maybe bcus today never go to school thats why. Damn sian.
And I've become such a coward now.
I'm so afraid to go online,
so afraid to check my facebook,
so afraid to read blogs,
so afraid to see things,
so afraid to hear things,
so afraid to think
so afraid to dream
so afraid to listen to love songs,
so afraid to listen to sad songs,
so afraid to love again
and im so afraid to receive a new sms when i just woke up. It'll just dampen my mood and like I'll only reply in the middle of the day.
Even though many things doesn't matter anymore since everything is so obvious already. But I still hope everyday, that one day the misunderstanding will be cleared. For now, though life still goes on but its still bothering me alot.
Everything In Its Time
12:15 AM
I'll be a hardcore blogger and blog TWICE everyday. hahah. Had such a GREAAAATTT time at Vivo today! hhaha. though so so so many thing reminds me of him but looking at the sky with wendy marcus and dumbass really took him off my mind for abit. :):)
SKYPARKKKK was filled with so so much memories. Had so many fond memories there, but I've cried so so so badly for so many times there too. haha. I rmb there was this time when I was at sky park and like I just said there's nt many stars tonight, I wanna see more stars. Though it was very late alr he still brought me to siloso beach to see stars. the night sky was really really realy the most beautiful thing ever. there were like millions of stars. OH WELLS. haha. Stupid marcus just now don't let me go sentosa. LIFE GOES ONNNNNNNN.
Thursday, May 01, 2008 Beginning of a new start
4:43 PM
New blogggg :):) A new start for me. I would probably put password for this personal blog. This is to protect people, and to protect myself too. There were so many feelings I had that I couldn't blog about in my blog. And I don't know where to write either. Writing it on a blog will probably hurt people, writing diary is just not for me. I guess this would do fine. :)
I've been having phobia of going online or even switching on my comp ever since that incident. seriously. -.- something's wrong with me. I'm so afraid to read her blog to read what she gotta write about me, or abt them. I'm so afraid to go facebook too. So nowadays I just force myself out till late night, then I can go home and just crash. I don't know how long can this last. Its probably a way of escaping from reality. But thats all I know what to do.
I always think what a person blog about reflects her character and her attitude. After reading her long post, the only thing that comes to my mind is her narrow-mindedness and how she judge everything I do. I read our chat logs over and over again. It was all natural and we were all having fun talking. I just don't see what went wrong. I dont know what is she thinking, I dont know whats he thinking either. He just doesn't trusts me at all!
Everyone tells me just forget about this incident and move on with life. But its really so hard when you see them everyday. Its like how much you want to explain yrself to him when you see him but you know it'll fall on deaf ears anyway. And, you don't even know what happened in the first place. Its clear that they like each other and probably are soon going to get together. But thats not the main point. He's not the old him anymore, although I still really care about him, but even if he comes back to me now, I don't even want to be with him again. Cus he has changed. Everything about him changed, I dont see any traces of the old him now. Nothing will be the same anymore.
Ok so he likes her she likes him, good for them. I felt it long long long ago. I asked her whether she liked him just to confirm bcus I was getting paranoid about whether they were restricting their actions or not talking to each other in sch bcus of me and so that I can really be sure and move on happily and know that probably something good will happen soon. I've told both of them about to go for who they love. Though I still felt abit affected about it, I really don't wanna be an obstruction. BLAHHHHHHHH, was I wrong?
That doesn't matter to me now. I just don't wanna be misunderstood by him, I wanna clear my own name. I want to know what exactly happened. Though he doesnt really care, its really impt to me. I don't want to be remembered as a mean person who goes around badmouthing people and lying. I don't want to be a person he regretted loving.
He fell during track meets ytd, my heart dropped when he fell. I was so afraid he'll injured his leg again. But as always, he's stronger than I think. Rachel told me to sms him to ask about him, I was thinking why should I when he's so mean to me and I think i probably over-reacted to it. He got her anyway. But I smsed him in the end. I told him to take care of his leg. Oh wells, I'm quite useless.
My friends might be wondering why isit so hard to me to just not care about him? He's just a normal guy, a guy who doesn't even care about me?
Reason is bcus, I've seen him at his best and at his worst. He was the most loving and caring bf anyone can get. But thats not the most impt point, cus all bfs are loving and caring to their gfs. Whats most impt is I've seen him lying on his bed after his leg operation. I've seen how a person who could run so fast on the field had such a hard time getting out of bed and moving around the house. I've seen how in pain he was after the op. I've seen how his headaches tortured him. And how he had to lay on the bed and not do anything. At that time I just continued to watch videos at his hse and didn't really do anything to console him bcus I was on the verge of crying cus I haven't seen him like this before and I didn't know what to say and I couldn't do anything to make him feel any better. After that I promised myself that no matter what happens in the future I'll wanna be there for him no matter what, in case he needs me. Even after we broke up I still want to keep that promise. Even after he's so mean to me I still can't bear to not care about him. But its really not about me still loving him alot and still wanting to get back with him. That was long long long over. Oh, was that what he thought? Thats why he was so angry with me. Blaa, I dont knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, I feel so lost now.
This incident taught me alot alot. It really doesn't matter what the truth is, what matters is who you choose to trust. I don't feel angry at all. I just feel extremely extremely disappointed by him. And disgusted by her. Not like those sarcastic kind of disgusted. Its just how I'll lose my appetite or feel nauseous whenever I see her or whenever some thing reminds me of her. Oh wells, 6 more mths and I'll be done here. I'll be strong.
I just really hope time will tell the truth. Thats all I wished for and can hope for now. Finally, someday, miracle will happen and probably he'll understand, or probably I'll finally realise what I've done wrong. OKAYYYYYY WHAT A LONGG POST. :) Feel so good after releasing all my emotions now. hahah. Luckily I'm not a writing a diary or else my hand would've break. -.- haha. OFF TO SLACKK!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008 LALALALALALALALALA!
6:22 PM
WHOOOOOOOOOOO, I haven't been writing here for the longest time. hahah. WHEE WHEE WHEEEE. Life has been great. hahah. Though not extremelyyyy happening, its still really nicee.
Haven't been thinking about him for very very long already. But he popped out again because of all the scribbles I saw on my notes when I was tidying my J1 notes. Oh wells, haha. Its good to think about him once in awhile too, those funny times. But those scribbles were really distracting my revision so I took like an hour to flip through all my notes and erase everything. haha.
And both of themmmm, tsktsk. Have been reading her blog, she's still so sad like so messy, and insecure. Brr. Hope they turn out well if not he dislike me for nothing! If they turn out well means at least something good come out of ALLLLLLLLLL the bad things. haha.
OKAYYY, I SHALL GO EAT NOWWWWWWWWWWWW. Buffet dinner tonight!
Wednesday, May 14, 2008 Sky of Love
11:52 PM
Really super tired now but I've decided to write something here before I slp anyway. hahah. Or else those words will just keep running around my head and I can't sleeep!
Whee wheee, I realise I'm happier now. Jes says I'm healing! hahah. Yup I guess I'm healing well. Today's GP lesson was coool. hahah. Both of the are in the same group. Super fated! I thought I'll feel upset or like feel sian. But like, I realise I still can talk and laugh and crap normally and not feel anything about them being paired up. Though its just a small thing to others, but I'm super proud of myself now. ^^
But whenever I see both of them, I'll always think like 2 person keeping so much love inside their heart will explode one day. Its so torturous to see the person you like infront of you but yet you can't show it because of I dont know why. Read her blog today, again. She seems like she's going through a tough time, probably because of him. Seems like he's holding back so much feelings he has for her bcus of I dont know why also. Its soooo clear he's head over heels over her already. If only she knows, tsktsk. It'll be fairytale ending! I'm like some analyst with so much time and nothing better to do. haha. Ok more like some kpo.
Ok slping time. Hockey match tmr! Dont know if I should go, its so near. But if I go will I affect her? In a bad way. Blah, dont know. I'll think about it tmr. SLEEEEPZZ!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008 Heal the world
11:14 PM
Just read her blog. I have this very strong feeling that the last paragraph is referring to him. The feeling that I had when I thought she was blogging about me last time, and I was right. Even whn I asked her if it was about me she denied it anyway. Actually, this should be long over and I shouldn't even be thinking about it anymore. Blahh.
Chatted with Jesica today, she knew I had something to tell her but didn't tell her in the end. Probably thats how best friends can read each others mind. I told her I'm feeling very tired. Really really tired. So tired that I just don't feel like doing anything and don't feel like caring about anyone or anything. Actually there's alot of things I want to do, but I'm just tired. School's keeping me alive though. Disturbing people and talking crap without thinking and laughing really keeps me sane, for some weird reasons. haha. Probably bcus doing all these doesn't require thinking.
Feel so helpless when I was watching the news too. China's earthquake and Myanmar's disaster is really not getting any better. I went online to search for any organisations that need volunteers but I couldn't find any. Most websites just need donations. But exactly how much I'm able to donate to actually make an impact? I don't know where to offer my help either.
Despite all these on my mind, sch was really great today. Thank God for school seriously, for every little thing that happen in sch. I really don't want to leave sch yet can't wait to leave sch so that I'll only be surrounded by people who love and trust me, and really care for me. But I guess everything happens for a reason so I'll still learn to treasure and enjoy everything that will happen in sch for the next 6mths! I MUST START STUDYINGGG HARDD!
Sunday, May 11, 2008 blaaahh
11:06 PM
Today was so tiringgg. Although I slept quite alot last night. Went out with dumbass last night. Was so tired that I fell asleep on the bus. Which reminds me of something again. I remember I used to fall asleep on the bus very often and even if I wake up, I wouldn't dare to move my head cus I was afraid I would wake him up. And even though his head will be super heavy whn he really fall aslp I'll still try my best to not move with my strong head! hahah. Oh wells, it was quite funny now that i think about it. This is one of the very very few times when I've thought about him yesterday. I'm proud of myselfff! ^^ At least I'm improving.
ShiChi broke up with Weiwei today. He smsed me just now and he was like so so sian even though he was the one who initiated it. He said he felt glad but sad and sian at the same time. Tsk, I didn't know what to say to him either. I just told him to play more mahjong and hope he win more money for soccer tonight. haha. Oh wells, I wonder how is weiwei feeling now. She must be super sad. hopefully both of them will eventually find what they want.
And Myanmar's situation is reallyyyyy getting on my nervesss. It was the first time me feeling piss watching the news. So many many many people are dying there and they desperately need help but the govt's not doing enough and yet not wanting others help. I was watching the news and i feel so powerless. I can't do anything to help them. The money donated to Myanmar doesn't get to the victims too, not the full sum at least. It gets to the stupid military govt. Arghh. For a moment I was wondering why is God not doing anything to help them. I dont know, maybe I just can't see it.
School tmrrr. Bla, another day to get through. SMILEEE YIXUAN YOU'LL BE FINE! :)
Saturday, May 10, 2008 Love at first sight?
11:33 AM
I saw her and her friends reading a brightttt reddd letter at the void deck while waiting for Irvin and Calvin to find kaki to play mahjong after sch today when . All my 6 senses tells me that that letter is from him. Felt happy for her but feel abittt sian too bcus of I dont know why. But mahjong with 3 of them and out with Alicia and friends pretty much made me forget about it.
After so super duper long I finally think I'm strong enough to read her blog again. haha. She was blogging about some "your love is a lie" thing. I was wondering if its abt him. He'll probably feel slightly hurt when he read that. When he loves someone, its selfless, sacrificial and wholeheartedly and innocently and truthfully. She'll probably feel it in time.
So today went out with Alicia and her bf's friends who were all from SAS. They were really super super super super funny. They were exactly like the ruggers in sch just that they are from the opposing sch. haha. They're all the same when a bunch of boys get together. There's this guy who is super funny and nice. His "gf" was super mean to him, she refuses to go out with him I dont know why either. I kept thinking like he's so nice and she's so mean to him, making him so upset. I can treat him so much nicer than her. I really felt so bad for him. The whole night whn we were out I was thinking abt him. I've never felt this whn I meet someone for the first time before. I dont know what that means but I guess I'll find out soon bcus Alicia says we're going to hang out very often from now on.
Thursday, May 08, 2008 Piece Of It All
10:34 PM
Felt so tired in sch todayy, probably bcus didn't slp well last night. brr.
Today seems like a better day, for both of them. Its super obvious that they are smsing in sch the whole day but oh wells, as long as they're happy. :) But it still makes me feel bad that they have to hide their actions, either bcus they don't want me to feel bad, or bcus others. I always feel that I'm in their way whenever in sch making everything awkward. I've tried to avoid as much as possible already, but still, feels like so "extra". Bcus of me there's so many things to be cautious of. Blaa. I hope we'll graduate like tmr so they'll be free and I'll be free too! Everyone will be free. And I can really move on and get along with my new excitingggg life aheaddd. :)
Rugby match tmr, don't think I'll be going. Though its the last match, and I really wanna go. I remember i was screaming my lungs out for him at the last match last year. I remember I was praying hard to just let him score a try and it doesn't matter whether ACJC win or lose. lol. Quite selfish. Oh wells, but this yr, feels like I'll be some obstruction there for them. BLAH. I dont know. It doesn't matter whether I go anyway. I'll just pray pray pray and prayyy, thats all I can do.
Found some lyrics today, totally spells out how I feel, wanted to put it on my blog but it seems inappropriate to put this kinda lyrics in my blog now already.
Jann Arden - Piece of It All
Right now somebody loves you
Right now somebody dreams about you
Right now somebody needs you
Right now somebody's proud of you
Proud of you
Right now somebody's calling your name
Right now somebody's hoping you're well
Right now somebody's feeling your shame
Right now somebody cares if you live
Right now somebody hears you
Right now somebody knows who you are
Right now someone is praying for you
Right now someone believes in your heart
Right now somebody wants to be your friend
Right now somebody's thinking about you
Right now somebody is wondering where you are
Right now you are a piece of it all
A piece of it all
You are a piece of it all
Sometimes lyrics just makes me stronger cus I feel for all the lyrics, meaning ppl have been through this too and they've probably made it through, meaning, I'm not alonee! I can do it tooooo.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008 Spread the love
11:43 PM
Today was superrr tiring. Just got home from studying. Almost died.
School was fun today. I was laughing and talking nonstop like throughout the wholeee day. Maybe thats why Im feeling so tired now. I think Monster almost killed me today cus I was really on talking streak. But I always think that if I stop talking, I'll start thinking about alot of stuff. So the only way to get myself to not think is to talk alot alot and to disturb ppl. haha. Although sometimes it really gets very tiring and I just don't feel like talking anymore but at least its really useful.
He looked so so so upset today. Might be because of the match but I think its so much more than that. Probably something happened. I kept having the feeling that she's keeping her feelings about him to herself, bcus she's afraid of how people will see her. She loves him, and she knows it. Even I know it. I'm so afraid she'll force herself to push him away either bcus of me, or bcus of how she thinks others will see her. I don't want to see him feeling so upset. All the more I don't want them to miss something so right bcus of this. And I guess she's upset from her hockey match too and all the hockey stuff. And I think he's the only one who can make her feel better too. Hopefully.
Oh wells, I guess I'm thinking too deep into this. Brrr, thats what happens what I don't talk. Sleeping time.
Monday, May 05, 2008 ACJC VS SAJC 11-20
10:16 PM
So we lost today. Ok sian. Saw all the ruggers at Island Creamery when I was meeting Kh and Melissa at Serene. He was there too. He turned and walked away when he saw me. Tsk. Okay. Kh told me she think he cried. At first I didn't feel anything. But after that when I saw him walking around looking very very very down I feel so so sad for him. I should feel happy seeing him fall after everything he has done to me. But I just wish I could give him a big hug like last time and tell him its gonna be ok. I wish I was the one he need so I could be there for him. Not the one he will turn away from when he see. Oh wells, I guess only she can console him now. And I really hope she'll make him forget all the unhappiness. I guess it doesn't really matter whether I can be there for him or not. As long as the one he needs is there.
OK IM SO TIREDD. Sch tmr. -.- Sian.
Pon school day
11:54 AM
SO today is a pon school day for me. Didn't sleep till very late, going to meet Kah Hwee at Serene to study after she finish watching the match.
Couldn't sleep yesterday night, was tossing and turning on my bed. Thinking of only one thing. Her. I guess I'm not such a kind person after all. I can't let everything go. I still don't understand why she does all those things. At one side I'm despising her for everything but the other side of me tells me that its nt her fault that she feels this way. OMGGGG I'M GOING CRAZYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!
The devil side of me sees her as a 2-faced hypocrite. Who is so so so different when she talks to me online and she blogs a totally different thing on her blog.
I remember she told me she felt very guilty bcus she thinks that we broke up because of her and she feels that everyone's judging her and she shouldn't come to ac in the first place. I kept assuring her that its not fault at all and noone thinks its her fault and that we broke up bcus of many other reasons. And she says that I'm trying to put the blame on herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr on her stupidddd bloggggggggg. AHHHHH.
And while she was blogging about me at night, she was still so nice to me in the day insisting to help me copy notes when I was too lazy to do that. We were having fun online gossiping about boys and everything but she blogged that I was trying to show her how popular I am with boys. Damn it. I wrote an email to her telling her everything and she said she doesn't like shitty people to like her? Omggggggggg. Nice and hurting!!!!
She say I'm trying to pull all her friends over but why does all our friends still talks to her like normal and doesn't hate her but all her friends including titi thinks I'm such an evil person!!! Why does she judge all my actions in her own wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. AHHHH! And after everything she said she surrender and told me to leave her alone when I'm so so so misunderstoooooooood. AHHHHHHH!
But after I think about all this, another side of me tells me that maybe she's feeling too guilty thats why she thinks I'm doing all this too her. She puts too much blame on herself and she keeps all her emotions to herself and I unknowingly give her pressure by talking to her cus she felt guilty in the first place thats why she's suffocating.
That was what I was thinking for the whole night, the wholeee night. I was thinking so much that I didn't have the mood to go to school today cus I don't wanna see her and I'll start thinking about it all over again. I know its not an excuse not to go to sch but I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. :(
Ok I know I sound like one mean person in this post but i really need get it off my chest. I can't keep it in my mind anymore. I'm really going crazy. :(:(
Let it be let it be let it be yixuan, let it go, set yourself free. You have to be happy :(
Sunday, May 04, 2008 ACJC VS SAJC!
10:53 PM
Whoooooo! ACJC VS SAJC tmr. hahahh. Blaa shld I sms him good luck? But he doesn't need it anyway. He has hers already. But still its an impt much tmr more luck doesn't matter right. BlaAHH. Don't know. I've left a message on redsports anyway. Should be enough :)
I always knew they were meant to be together. They're like some matchmake in heaven. hahah. Even when I was with him. I knew that I was just taking him away from her for awhile. They'll be together eventually. And they'll last for very very very long, happily ever after. Since they're so alike in every way. Thats probably why I was so insecure when it comes to her even when we were together. I was preparing myself for it since long long long time ago, even before anyone noticed anything. I knew it would happen long ago, but I didn't do anything about it either. Why can't he just believe me :(
Was reading her blog just now, she's so happy now. Unlike last time when we were still talking, her blog was filled with angsty posts. Maybe I was really tearing her down, without realising it myself. And she was keep all the emotions to herself. Oh wells, I don't know. Although I'm still misunderstood by him and everything. They seem better off now. Maybe the truth really doesn't matter at all. BAHHHHHH.
I'm still struggling seeing them everyday. Howwwwww? I must stop this already. :( SIANN
Oh yea, still got, A DIV 2008 TOP 15 PLAYERS
Vote for titi! :)
Saturday, May 03, 2008 Low
3:52 PM
Wahhh sian. I'm feeling super super down today. :( Dont know why also. Maybe bcus today never go to school thats why. Damn sian.
And I've become such a coward now.
I'm so afraid to go online,
so afraid to check my facebook,
so afraid to read blogs,
so afraid to see things,
so afraid to hear things,
so afraid to think
so afraid to dream
so afraid to listen to love songs,
so afraid to listen to sad songs,
so afraid to love again
and im so afraid to receive a new sms when i just woke up. It'll just dampen my mood and like I'll only reply in the middle of the day.
Even though many things doesn't matter anymore since everything is so obvious already. But I still hope everyday, that one day the misunderstanding will be cleared. For now, though life still goes on but its still bothering me alot.
Everything In Its Time
12:15 AM
I'll be a hardcore blogger and blog TWICE everyday. hahah. Had such a GREAAAATTT time at Vivo today! hhaha. though so so so many thing reminds me of him but looking at the sky with wendy marcus and dumbass really took him off my mind for abit. :):)
SKYPARKKKK was filled with so so much memories. Had so many fond memories there, but I've cried so so so badly for so many times there too. haha. I rmb there was this time when I was at sky park and like I just said there's nt many stars tonight, I wanna see more stars. Though it was very late alr he still brought me to siloso beach to see stars. the night sky was really really realy the most beautiful thing ever. there were like millions of stars. OH WELLS. haha. Stupid marcus just now don't let me go sentosa. LIFE GOES ONNNNNNNN.
Thursday, May 01, 2008 Beginning of a new start
4:43 PM
New blogggg :):) A new start for me. I would probably put password for this personal blog. This is to protect people, and to protect myself too. There were so many feelings I had that I couldn't blog about in my blog. And I don't know where to write either. Writing it on a blog will probably hurt people, writing diary is just not for me. I guess this would do fine. :)
I've been having phobia of going online or even switching on my comp ever since that incident. seriously. -.- something's wrong with me. I'm so afraid to read her blog to read what she gotta write about me, or abt them. I'm so afraid to go facebook too. So nowadays I just force myself out till late night, then I can go home and just crash. I don't know how long can this last. Its probably a way of escaping from reality. But thats all I know what to do.
I always think what a person blog about reflects her character and her attitude. After reading her long post, the only thing that comes to my mind is her narrow-mindedness and how she judge everything I do. I read our chat logs over and over again. It was all natural and we were all having fun talking. I just don't see what went wrong. I dont know what is she thinking, I dont know whats he thinking either. He just doesn't trusts me at all!
Everyone tells me just forget about this incident and move on with life. But its really so hard when you see them everyday. Its like how much you want to explain yrself to him when you see him but you know it'll fall on deaf ears anyway. And, you don't even know what happened in the first place. Its clear that they like each other and probably are soon going to get together. But thats not the main point. He's not the old him anymore, although I still really care about him, but even if he comes back to me now, I don't even want to be with him again. Cus he has changed. Everything about him changed, I dont see any traces of the old him now. Nothing will be the same anymore.
Ok so he likes her she likes him, good for them. I felt it long long long ago. I asked her whether she liked him just to confirm bcus I was getting paranoid about whether they were restricting their actions or not talking to each other in sch bcus of me and so that I can really be sure and move on happily and know that probably something good will happen soon. I've told both of them about to go for who they love. Though I still felt abit affected about it, I really don't wanna be an obstruction. BLAHHHHHHHH, was I wrong?
That doesn't matter to me now. I just don't wanna be misunderstood by him, I wanna clear my own name. I want to know what exactly happened. Though he doesnt really care, its really impt to me. I don't want to be remembered as a mean person who goes around badmouthing people and lying. I don't want to be a person he regretted loving.
He fell during track meets ytd, my heart dropped when he fell. I was so afraid he'll injured his leg again. But as always, he's stronger than I think. Rachel told me to sms him to ask about him, I was thinking why should I when he's so mean to me and I think i probably over-reacted to it. He got her anyway. But I smsed him in the end. I told him to take care of his leg. Oh wells, I'm quite useless.
My friends might be wondering why isit so hard to me to just not care about him? He's just a normal guy, a guy who doesn't even care about me?
Reason is bcus, I've seen him at his best and at his worst. He was the most loving and caring bf anyone can get. But thats not the most impt point, cus all bfs are loving and caring to their gfs. Whats most impt is I've seen him lying on his bed after his leg operation. I've seen how a person who could run so fast on the field had such a hard time getting out of bed and moving around the house. I've seen how in pain he was after the op. I've seen how his headaches tortured him. And how he had to lay on the bed and not do anything. At that time I just continued to watch videos at his hse and didn't really do anything to console him bcus I was on the verge of crying cus I haven't seen him like this before and I didn't know what to say and I couldn't do anything to make him feel any better. After that I promised myself that no matter what happens in the future I'll wanna be there for him no matter what, in case he needs me. Even after we broke up I still want to keep that promise. Even after he's so mean to me I still can't bear to not care about him. But its really not about me still loving him alot and still wanting to get back with him. That was long long long over. Oh, was that what he thought? Thats why he was so angry with me. Blaa, I dont knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, I feel so lost now.
This incident taught me alot alot. It really doesn't matter what the truth is, what matters is who you choose to trust. I don't feel angry at all. I just feel extremely extremely disappointed by him. And disgusted by her. Not like those sarcastic kind of disgusted. Its just how I'll lose my appetite or feel nauseous whenever I see her or whenever some thing reminds me of her. Oh wells, 6 more mths and I'll be done here. I'll be strong.
I just really hope time will tell the truth. Thats all I wished for and can hope for now. Finally, someday, miracle will happen and probably he'll understand, or probably I'll finally realise what I've done wrong. OKAYYYYYY WHAT A LONGG POST. :) Feel so good after releasing all my emotions now. hahah. Luckily I'm not a writing a diary or else my hand would've break. -.- haha. OFF TO SLACKK!
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